Nudity For Fun and Profit Chapter Eleven: Dirty Minx

I’m coming out of the bathroom with a towel on my head when Heloise corners me.

“Okay, you skank, I want to know everything. What’s his name? Where did you meet him? And how did you get him past me?”

 “Who ‘him’?” I ask, puzzled. I push past her and walk into my bedroom. She follows me.

“The new guy, Alicia! Who is he? Come on, I’m your best friend. You have to tell me. I’m pretty sure it’s written somewhere– best friend must be apprised of all juicy details whenever Alicia gets laid.”

I start to laugh. “Laid? Don’t I wish.”

Heloise pouts. “That’s not fair! I always tell you everything.”

“Much to my chagrin.”

“No, but seriously. How can you have a new boyfriend and not tell me about it? Unless… Ooh, you dirty minx. He’s not your boyfriend. You’re just screwing around with him, aren’t you!”

“Okay, Heloise, now I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Bitch! Liar! You haven’t slept home in a week. Come on, I’m not stupid. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Is he married or something?”

I take a long, dramatic breath. “Okay, Heloise… you’re right. He’s married.”

She gasps. “Oh, my God! Ohmigod– I knew it. Who is he?”

I look at the floor, feigning shame. I lower my voice. “It’s…”

“Who?” Heloise’s eyes widen.

“It’s… your dad,” I whisper solemnly. I try not to laugh. It doesn’t work. My lip twitches and a snicker escapes.

“Oh! Gross! Shut the fuck up!” She throws my pillow at me.

I’m not in the mood to joke around with Heloise right now. Today is Sunday, and also my first day off since last weekend.

“Heloise, honey, you know I adore you. But I have had about nine hours of sleep all week, and only a few of those were consecutive. That needs to be addressed pronto. So would you mind moseying on along for now, and we’ll talk a little later?”

“Fine, Miss Priss. You’ve got a new boy toy and you don’t want to tell me. You only got nine hours of sleep this week because Mr. Perfection is a superstar in the sack. Huh! I should be so lucky.”

“Is Dan the man not delivering the goods?”

“Oh, please. That’s over. Which you’d know already if you’d ever bothered to come home.”

“I’m very sorry.”

“I’m not. Premature ejaculator. I gave him three good chances to rectify it.”

“You’re all heart. Well, no wonder you’re so interested in my love life. Yours is temporarily on hiatus, huh?”

“Come on, Alicia.”

I sigh. “If I tell you where I’ve been all week, will you let me get some rest?”

Heloise stretches out on my bed. “I promise.”

“You don’t look like you’re leaving.”

“But you want to tell me about it. I can see it in your eyes. You’re dying to share.”

“What you see in my eyes is exhaustion. I’m dying to sleep. Move over.”

“I’m gonna keep you awake until you tell me.”

“I know.” I towel dry my hair and toss the towel over the chair in the corner. Then I climb into bed next to Heloise and close my eyes. “I took that second job.”

“Whatever. I’m staying here and bugging you until you tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth. Incidentally, thanks for the slutwear. It’s been coming in handy. I made four hundred bucks on my first night.”

I don’t hear a peep from Heloise. I think I’ve actually startled her silent.

“Listen, you can’t tell anyone,” I continue. “And I mean that. This isn’t one of our little rank-out sessions– this is my life. No one can know. If you really are my best friend, you will support me on this and keep your mouth shut.”

Still no answer. I open my eyes. Heloise is sitting up and hovering over me, gaping.

“Okay, now what? You’re creeping me out,” I say irritably.

“Actually, I think it’s great,” she says.

“What’s the punch line?”

“No punch line. You used to be a lot more fun. Maybe now that you’ve got a cool job, you can start being fun again. End of story.”

I smile despite myself. “Heloise, I think you’re the only person I know who’d consider stripping to be a cool job.”

“Uh, hello? Dance major here? Half the girls in my department at Tisch are probably moonlighting as strippers. It’s really no big deal.”

“Is that so? Why aren’t you a stripper, then?”

Heloise shrugs. “Because my father would kill me.”

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