Nudity For Fun and Profit Chapter One: Final Notice

My father would kill me if he knew.

I’m a grown woman. Why do I still care so much what my father thinks?

FINAL NOTICE. I think those have got to be the two ugliest words in the English language.

Just how did I manage to rack up ten thousand dollars worth of debt, anyway?

My hand moves automatically to my forehead, and as I rifle through the papers in front of me, I catch myself rubbing my scalp. A nervous habit. I quit doing it just in time to see my bedroom door spring open.

My roommate sashays over to the dining room table and twirls around in front of me. She gives me a mischievous look that shows both her dimples. “Alicia, can I wear this tonight for my date with Dan?”

She’s wrapped herself up in my favorite silk and pashmina scarf. The pink one. I own one in every color of the rainbow, a staple left over from better times. I sigh. That’s how.

I sweep the damning stack of bills under my placemat when Heloise isn’t looking and smile weakly back at her. She doesn’t need to know about my cash flow problems. Nobody does. I’m a big girl. I can figure this out on my own.

“Yeah, I guess,” I answer her. “But don’t lose that one, okay? I’m serious. It’s my favorite.”

Heloise squeals and kisses me on the forehead in thanks, then runs out of the room to finish getting dressed.

Why did I just say yes to her? She’s lost four of my scarves this winter. Expensive ones, too.

I definitely need to learn to be more assertive.

The tea kettle whistles and chugs out steam. I drag myself over to the kitchenette to retrieve it, where I pour the hot water into a mug over a bag of Twining’s chamomile tea. I add two heaping teaspoons of honey and idly stir the mixture for longer than I need to.

Sitting down on the couch, I pull a blanket up over my knees and fiddle with the remote. It’s going to be a big old Saturday night in for me – I don’t have enough money for anything else.

Heloise emerges from her bedroom, all painted up and flushed with excitement. She’s about to have her third date with Dan. He’s done everything right so far. That means I won’t see her again until tomorrow afternoon.

She stands over me. “No plans tonight?”

My reply is a yawn.

“Okay, Miss Agoraphobic. Then at least wish me luck.”

“With what?” I can’t resist baiting her. “Choosing the right sized condoms?”

She tries to frown and cracks up instead. “I hate you,” she laughs. “You know that?”

“Have fun,” I answer mildly.

“Oh, I will,” Heloise grins. “Don’t wait up.”

I roll my eyes behind her back as she skips down the stairs two at a time, then instantly feel guilty. I shouldn’t be jealous. She’s my best friend.

It’s hard with her sometimes. She’s like the little girl who lives next door and has better toys than you. Occasionally you get to play with them. But you still have to leave them all at her house when it’s time to go home.

I don’t think of her as selfish. It’s more like oblivion. She genuinely doesn’t notice how great she’s got it compared to normal people. She’s living what they call a charmed life.

Heloise can have any guy she wants. In contrast, the minute I notice a guy, he thinks I’m invisible. Or worse, he decides to make me his confidant, and then I get to hear firsthand stories about how spectacularly hot my roommate is.

I’m taking a year off before grad school, so I have to work for a living. Heloise is studying modern dance at Tisch. She’s on the five-year-plus plan. Her folks are happy to fork over a free ride as long as she’s still going to college. Needless to say, she has the bigger of the two bedrooms.

To top all that off, Heloise can eat anything she wants and not gain an ounce. Of course, I have breasts, and she practically still needs a training bra. But I’d trade my girls, along with a horrible new little tummy pooch, for Heloise’s flat chest – so long as it meant that her flat stomach was part of the package. I’d make that swap without thinking twice.

The thing is that Heloise has a good heart. Even more importantly, she’s fun.

Tonight I’m too preoccupied to be any fun myself. I’m far too busy picturing what a modern day debtor’s prison might look like from the inside.

Downstairs, our front door bangs shut, and Little Miss Perky disappears into the night. As soon as I know she’s gone, I hit the button next to the flashing light on the answering machine.

“Hi there, this is Kristy at Collections America. I’m trying to get in touch with Alicia Peters. I can be reached at one-eight-hundred —”

I erase the message and play the next one.

“Miss Peters, this is Kristy calling from Collections America. Would you please call me back at one-eight-hundred, two-eight-eight —”

Click. I hit the button again.

“This is Kristy at Collections America, calling in regards to an outstanding debt —”

Click. Click. I shake my head, astonished. Talk about determined – this woman has left fifteen messages today. Thank God Heloise is flaky and never remembers to check our machine.

Pursing my lips, I pick up my mug. It’s the same one that Heloise gave me as a gag gift for my birthday last month. The mug says, “Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22).”

I turn it around. On the other side, it reads, “You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.”

We had a fantastic laugh when she brought that home.

I took it like a champ. Because her own birthday is coming up soon. Bring on the fake doggie crap. Or maybe some plastic vomit. I’ll put it right next to her pillow.

If I can afford to buy it for her, that is.

I make a face as my stomach lurches. Then I take a sip of tea, set the mug back down on the table in front of me, and begin my wild night of channel-surfing.

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